“Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.” - Albert Einstein
Asking separating couples caught in the maelstrom of upset, disappointment, devastation and anger to consider dialogue, discussion and understanding is a tall order. But, consider it they must for the short term pain offers a very long-term gain. Litigation in family law is punishing, expensive, long-winded and offers no winners. It can be such a bruising lengthy experience that by the end there is usually only exhausted relief that it is over and a very large credit card bill to start repaying. Judges simple don’t have the time or resources to take an emotional interest in cases. Personal histories are distilled to relevant facts and figures on a spreadsheet or schedule. By the time a judge makes a decision in financial or children disputes the couple have lost control of their destinies and are stuck with a court-ordered outcome, whether or not convenient.
Mediation offers a polar opposite experience. A mediator’s role is neutral to encourage, moderate and facilitate conversations between a couple. What is discussed and the frequency with which mediation sessions take place is set by the couple. Anything that is important to the couple can be discussed irrespective of whether a judge would be interested. The cost of the mediator is shared equally between the couple. Solicitors and financial advisors can give background advice and guidance along the way, but are otherwise side-lined to encourage the couple to focus on what matters to them and what they may be willing to compromise to reach agreement.
Mediation has grown in popularity over recent years, but uptake has until recently been slow. Couples remain apprehensive about a process that requires them to be present with their other half and talk respectfully to them when they are angry and hurting. It is understandable that a separated couple may prefer to communicate indirectly and not verbally. Indirect communication, however, risks polarisation and misunderstanding. It is far better to be looking at each other when communicating to read the room and observe body language.
Mediation is not couples counselling. It is not therapy, and is not designed to reconcile a failing relationship. What mediation offers is managed and moderated dialogue between a separating couple to air a few tensions then accentuate the positive and reduce the negative to move forward. Mediation is effective for anyone willing to try; if the mind is willing then that is often enough to keep dialogue going. It doesn’t matter if a subject needs to be revisited over a series of conversations; the trying means a solution will in time reveal itself. Mediation is particularly valuable for co-parents, as dialogue and decisions about children will inevitably continue long into the future.
Couples can self-refer to mediation or can be referred by solicitors and other professionals. Vetting for suitability and safeguarding takes place in individual Mediation and Information Meetings (MIAMs) before moving to joint meetings. Mediation can take place in person or online, which has been particularly effective in the pandemic and beyond because individuals can participate from the comfort and familiarity of their own homes.
Prettys’ Family Team is unique in that all our solicitors are dual trained mediators. My very talented colleague Victoria Mayhew is an (impressively youthful) accredited mediator, one of only a handful in East Anglia, and leads our mediation practice. It is a pleasure to see how quickly her practice has grown in the last few years, and it is no coincidence that mindfulness and wellbeing have grown generally in popularity at the same time. Life is far too short for misery and lingering resentment. Be brave, be bold, mediate, and move into a new future with a clearer mind and a lighter heart.
