“If the person you are talking to doesn’t appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that they have a small piece of fluff in their ear.” - Winnie the Pooh
This second in a series of articles on the benefits of talking resolutions could easily have been called ‘Why Listening Works’. Conversations are two-fold, but arguments tend to be a series of statements with far more focus on talking than listening. To truly achieve a painless separation (yes, it’s possible), one has to l-i-s-t-e-n more and talk less.
‘Kitchen table’ resolution is the colloquial term applied to separating couples who can sort matters out between them at home with minimal input from lawyers. In other words, literally talking it through over the kitchen table in substitution for a more formalised round table process. Couples who work ‘kitchen table’ recognise that their well-being post-separation is paramount - for themselves, their children and wider family or continuing business relations. Nothing will distract their laser-like focus from finding compromises and agreements that suit them both, and for the benefit of continued co-parenting. Inevitably this process demands a level of genuine courtesy and respect between the couple, and an even power balance. There may be some teeth gritting, long pauses and deep breaths along the way, but listening, reflection and consideration will in the end overcome many obstacles.
A huge benefit of ‘kitchen table’ resolution is that it is entirely bespoke with no rules or regulations; styled by the couple to suit their own timeframe and objectives, and allows discussion about important minutiae. Conversations can be revived or revisited at will and when convenient, and can include wider family. Conversations may also involve children of appropriate age to explore their wishes and feelings. Moving into a new life may not be easy, but if everyone is heard and options thoughtfully weighed this can only be a positive for the family as a whole.
‘Kitchen table’ is not a substitute for legal advice, but solicitors can compliment a ‘kitchen table’ process. Some couples will approach ‘kitchen table’ certain of what they do and don’t want, unmoved by legal advice that might suggest alternative solutions. Other couples - more sensibly, in my view - will explore individual legal options early so that they can have informed ‘kitchen table’ discussions. Here, the legal advice is complimentary because it is noted, discussed openly by the couple, and compromises found that suit their personal aims. Other expert opinion, such as financial or tax advice, adds another complimentary layer. The point is that this information and legal advice does not polarise or become weaponised, it encourages longer term thinking to ensure informed decisions are made. It is also a much cheaper way of using lawyers.
‘Kitchen table’ outcomes should always be recorded in legal documents such as a separation agreement or a financial Order within divorce proceedings. Few spouses or civil partners appreciate that financial claims between them as spouses or civil partners continue post-divorce or civil partnership if not finalised in a financial Order. A financial clean break is a legal outcome that can’t be substituted by good relations unless those relations are really, really, really good forever. The latter scenario gives family lawyers a fit of the vapours because we will all have had experience of a client wanting to make a financial claim years after a divorce because there has been a significant and unexpected change of circumstances. Better to be safe than sorry to give each individual a free mind.
So, if you’re game, give ‘kitchen table’ a go. I’m always quietly impressed when a separating couple can work out an agreement between them that leaves both satisfied - because that’s exactly how it should be. And what's a little fluff between friends?
